Most of you would never believe it, but I have a pretty sheltered relationship with lubricant. Sure, I work in a sex shop, but my workplace is very vanilla, so I only deal with fluffy products like Blossom Organics and Liquid Silk. But every now and then a buddy of mine pulls a bottle out of his drawer with a label so bizarre that I can do nothing but gape.
Therefore, I have composed a list of the Top 10 Most Ridiculous Lube Brands that I have found. Some are cute (a little too cute), some are...excessive, and some are just a poor choice of words. If you think I've missed something, do please include it in the comments.
The countdown begins with...
Ride Dude Lube
Okay, maybe it's not that bizarre. What weirds me out about this one though is that it is literally Sliquid Sassy repackaged for a more butch-identifying customer who may feel threatened by Sassy's pink label (at least in the case of the water-based version. I'm pretty sure the silicone Dude Lube is Sliquid Silver.) It is great stuff though, so if you need a good anal lube, grab it in whatever packaging you can find.
Bourgie. As. Hell. I'm not one to buy a product based on the packaging, but I kind of want to buy this stuff simply so I can reuse the bottle when I'm done. I've never heard of Uberlube before, so I don't know if it's any good, but based on my experiences with other pretentious lubricants, I'm guessing it must at least be okay.
How fucking cute is that? Another new one for me. According to the website, it contains 95% organic aloe vera. Not only does it lubricate for sexual purposes, but it also offers moisture to dry vaginal tissues. For those of us who have them, of course.
Fun Factory Bodyfluid
Since Fun Factory is a German company, I'm sure this is just one of those language barrier things. It certainly isn't the first time they've named one of their products something just a tiny bit... off. But do we all agree that 'bodyfluid' is kind of an awkward thing to lubricate yourself with? I feel like I'm sitting here saying "Saliva is not a sufficient lubricant... Use bodyfluid!"
This is most definitely the Hello Kitty of the lubricant world. But wait! It gets better! Flavor options include (in order of absurdity): Cherry Sucker, Raging Mint, Big Banana, and... Penis Colada. I don't know about you, but I can't even.
Based on how many people I've met who find the word 'moist' to be possibly the most unsexy element of the English language, I have to say this is probably not the best branding choice. But that's not my issue. Mine is that this comes with a silicone option, but since flesh does not absorb silicone it really isn't moistening, is it? Lies.
I've heard wonderful things about Sex Grease, from people whose experience I trust. But when I hear the name, I'm just imagining a horrible porn parody of "Grease", featuring characters named Rammy Zucko and Sandra Double-Dee doing it on the hood of an unnecessarily slippery car. Anybody? Just me?
Why, yes! This IS an anal lube! How EVER did you guess?
Come on, now... A little subtlety is hot. But yes, both the water-based and silicone versions of this lube are thicker to provide more cushioning for your butthole. Yay!
I've talked about this before, and it still weirds me out a little. Not to be judgy... if this gets you off then I am so happy for you. I just don't understand the appeal of a semen-y looking substance that isn't spouting from a phallic geyser. If you do, have at it.
This. THIS is the entire reason for this post. This is the bottle that emerged from my buddy's drawer several nights ago that sent me into a giggle-fit. FUCK WATER. I am elated by the aggressive crudeness of the branding, and mildy nauseated by the name as well, simply because I despise watery lubricants and I would imagine that's exactly what I'd be getting. My buddy and I didn't end up using it, mainly because I'd be laughing the whole time, so I don't know if it's any good. If anyone has feedback on this one, please feel free to share.
Honorable mentions include: Kunt Creme, Take It Bitch, Spunk. All are pretty delightfully vulgar, yes, but if I included all of these and Cumshot too, this list would get pretty redundant. And me? I'm all about diversity, even in terms of fucked up lubricant names. Also, Whiskey Dick, because reasons.