Where is the Body?

Between my burlesque shows and my rehearsals for VGL 5'4" Top over the last month, body image has been on my brain quite a bit lately. More so than usual, I mean. It's always lurking somewhere at the forefront of my mind. The day that I hardly think of it at all I will either feel ultimately accomplished or utterly insane.

These thoughts have ranged from positive to negative, content to angry, healthy to self-destructive. As I say in VGL..., "I wouldn't say I hate my body, but it's not my first choice." On most days, I think I look perfectly fine, but when I look at other performers in theatre and film, and even in burlesque, I often feel that I would be taken a lot more seriously if I had a six-pack. Which is absurd, I know, but it seems to be the way the world works.

The frame of mind is nearly impossible to escape in our culture, and when you have made it your goal to battle the system, it is hard not to fall victim to it in the process. Many members of gay culture are aware of the problem, but even those who address it do little to fight it. Any time you go out to a bar or club, you will see men who are considered older or fatter than the socially acceptable standard, but instead of finding a partner or an environment, they use money to persuade the more traditionally handsome men to make them feel welcome.

Last night, I watched "Eating Out: The Open Weekend", the latest movie on my Netflix queue that had been sitting by my bedside for an uncomfortably long time. Some of you may remember that the first film in this series is one of my favorite films of all time, but as the sequels keep coming (now on the fifth installment) they just get more and more ridiculous. The last three films have centered around the blossoming romance, breakup, and eventually reuniting of Zack and Casey. Casey, played by the slender, boyish, and absolutely adorable Daniel Skelton, spends all three films struggling with not feeling hot enough for his boyfriend. And when nearly every other cast member is a perpetually shirtless jock with abs for days, it's hard not to blame him. Various other characters constantly reassure him that he's totally hot and has nothing to worry about. Despite several sex scenes with big buff porno-bods, we never see him accept his alternative brand of hotness and love himself as is. Dear Q. Allan Brocka: If there is going to be a sixth installment, can we see Casey finally let himself love his damn body? Thanks.

I bounce back and forth on whether or not I should spend more time fine-tuning my bod or fine-tuning my self-esteem. It's a tough decision, I assure you. I'm sure that an even split of the two would yield the most satisfactory result. At the same time, we all know that I am not a wealthy homosexual and that a gym membership is out of my budget, so the task may be difficult to undertake. I'm coming to the conclusion that if the world wants me to be ripped, they should pay for my weights. I don't think that sounds unreasonable, do you?