I have come to a point in my life where I feel virtually immobilized. Not physically, but more...existentially...I guess. Like I've lost all control of where my life is going, and all I can do is wait for fate to play its cards.
I've always prided myself on being eclectic. I've changed my mind countless times in my life regarding what I wanted to do with it. I've bounced from writer to choreography to actor and back to writer and now sex educator. While I was never 100% sure of what I wanted to do, I knew there would always be something I was good at. I've finally managed to convince myself that I don't have to choose. I can be an actor, a writer, a director, and whatever the fuck else I want to throw in the mix. There are hundreds of multifaceted people in the world. Jeff Daniels is mainly known as an actor, but he's also a playwright. Kathy Griffin is a stand-up comedian, but she wrote a book. Colton Ford is a porn star who thinks he's a singer. I can do it all, too!
However, there are two downsides to this.
1) The world has a tendency to pigeonhole people. If they know you for one thing, they are generally convinced you can't do anything else. When I first started doing drag, and my friends in New York knew I had that experience, many seemed to forget that I can perform as a boy as well. That's partially the reason I don't do it as much anymore. Hell, for a while I was convinced myself that I wasn't interesting enough to perform as a boy, and that drag was my only option. Damn, those were some dark times.
I've been guilty of this distorted view as well. Take Jennifer Lopez, for example. When she first decided she was gonna be a singer, I was like "Yeah, right". I had never seen her act in anything, but I knew that film was her niche. Then she got really hardcore with her singing career, and I totally forgot she was an actress. Now they've just cancelled each other out and I've lost all track of what she can and can't do, so I've just decided that she can't do anything, to make life easier on myself.
2) When you have so many goals in life, it is really hard to focus on any of them. I'm finally happy with my line of work, but I also miss performing. But my Backstage subscription is expired, I can't afford a new one, and I keep forgetting to pick up the magazine because I never pass by a newsstand on my usual routes (lame excuses, I know). In the meantime, I've been trying to focus on my writing (this blog), but I feel like I've done everything I can think of to promote it, so now I'm just sitting here, waiting for people to find me.
Hence, stuck.
I know I need to get off my ass and do something about it, but I can't figure out which to focus on, and I've never been good at multitasking. Do I stick to the blog for now? Do I steer my focus elsewhere? Where do I go from here?
Unless you have a trust fund that will support you in comfort for the rest of your life you will have to be practical about things. Since you are a self-proclaimed "rubber snob", do you see yourself working for the rest of your life as a de classe Eustace Tilley teaching the relative merits of latex toys to sexual novitiates, and going home to a Brooklyn walk up until it gets gentrified and you have to move to Jersey or somewhere?
ReplyDeleteI spent my younger years concentrating on piano skills, but realized early on that even excellent musicians wind up in piano bars or eaking out an hourly wage tutoring shot nosed brats who refuse to practice. After college my writing ability got me a job as a reporter for a major regional paper. I left after three years because the only interesting work in journalism was reporting, it didn't pay the freight over the long term, and the guys who went up the ladder were working at a desk or writing jejeune editorials that reflected the publisher's economic interests. That's when I took up my parents' offer to send me to law school.
Was this a sell-out? No, because I found that trials are a controlled theatrical experience, and can be exhilarating. Would I have been happier as a writer? Maybe, but when you're ambitious, in your early 20's and afraid of the failure of finding yourself with a shot liver, sitting on a dirty cot in a cold water flat when you're 60 with no one giving a damn if you live or die, you are anxious to get some leverage on the world. That's what I got.
You may be assured that no matter what advantages you start with your life will be full of what my mother called "little compromises". The trick is to manage things so that those compromises are little rather than large and that you don't run out of time and options mulling over it. If, despite your best efforts, you find yourself alone at the edge of your bed when you're old, at least you'll have clean sheets, underwear and maybe a talented rentboy.
I know all this is bloodless and cynnical, but I swear it's all too true. Whether or not you give up this blog is your decision. You remind me of Pound's observation that, "He offers succulent cooking. The door has a creaking latch." Right now I'm one of two people commenting on your efforts, and, since you do write well, that's got to be discouraging. Check out your compatiots who get all that readership. You'll find that they are selling not their writing, but the soft and hard pictures they recreate. We all like them, but do you want to think of yourself as physical rather than mental jack off material? Don't feel you have to continuing casting pearls before swine just because a couple of assholes in the ether are fans or want to see you succeed. True, bloggers who close up shop after their readers become invested in their welfare affect a sort of amputation, but readers are like crabs. Their lost appendages will grow back.
This definitely isn't your usual "comment", but you definitely asked for it. You're in a very difficult period of life, and we do want you to succeed.
Well, I teach the merits of silicone toys, and my Brooklyn apartment building has an elevator, so I'm slightly ahead. Thank you very much for the encouragement. I have no intention of giving up this blog, but perhaps I don't need to focus all of my attention on it. If I could make a living off it, like certain people that I severely envy do, I would be able to focus on the other things I love, but lord knows cake cannot be both had and eaten. I think this blog could lead to some great work for me in several fields, if I could get people to read it. I just don't know how to promote more than I already do. Frustration!
ReplyDeleteI read the above back and guess I really am an officious prick, but here's the score: The guys who win the war have solid contingency plans.
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