Have you ever just felt...stuck?
I have come to a point in my life where I feel virtually immobilized. Not physically, but more...existentially...I guess. Like I've lost all control of where my life is going, and all I can do is wait for fate to play its cards.
I've always prided myself on being eclectic. I've changed my mind countless times in my life regarding what I wanted to do with it. I've bounced from writer to choreography to actor and back to writer and now sex educator. While I was never 100% sure of what I wanted to do, I knew there would always be something I was good at.
I've finally managed to convince myself that I don't have to choose. I can be an actor, a writer, a director, and whatever the fuck else I want to throw in the mix. There are hundreds of multifaceted people in the world. Jeff Daniels is mainly known as an actor, but he's also a playwright. Kathy Griffin is a stand-up comedian, but she wrote a book. Colton Ford is a porn star who thinks he's a singer. I can do it all, too!
However, there are two downsides to this.
1) The world has a tendency to pigeonhole people. If they know you for one thing, they are generally convinced you can't do anything else. When I first started doing drag, and my friends in New York knew I had that experience, many seemed to forget that I can perform as a boy as well. That's partially the reason I don't do it as much anymore. Hell, for a while I was convinced myself that I wasn't interesting enough to perform as a boy, and that drag was my only option. Damn, those were some dark times.
I've been guilty of this distorted view as well. Take Jennifer Lopez, for example. When she first decided she was gonna be a singer, I was like "Yeah, right". I had never seen her act in anything, but I knew that film was her niche. Then she got really hardcore with her singing career, and I totally forgot she was an actress. Now they've just cancelled each other out and I've lost all track of what she can and can't do, so I've just decided that she can't do anything, to make life easier on myself.
2) When you have so many goals in life, it is really hard to focus on any of them. I'm finally happy with my line of work, but I also miss performing. But my Backstage subscription is expired, I can't afford a new one, and I keep forgetting to pick up the magazine because I never pass by a newsstand on my usual routes (lame excuses, I know). In the meantime, I've been trying to focus on my writing (this blog), but I feel like I've done everything I can think of to promote it, so now I'm just sitting here, waiting for people to find me.
I know I need to get off my ass and do something about it, but I can't figure out which to focus on, and I've never been good at multitasking. Do I stick to the blog for now? Do I steer my focus elsewhere? Where do I go from here?