If you didn’t read yesterday’s post, do that first. Then continue.
After a bit of a rant, followed by some healthy discussion with fellow kinksters, I’ve decided to take more action to initiate the kind of conversations that I would like to have with potential playmates, rather than simply ignore them if they don’t appear to be “my species”. It’s draining, so I don’t know how long I can keep it up for, but it’s an interesting study, which will ideally result in me getting laid more, so for the time being it is worth it.
My SummerFest con-drop has left me ravenous for men, so I’ve spent a great deal (i.e. way too much) of time on Scruff, OKCupid, Dudesnude, and Recon over the last couple of days. Traffic has been pretty slow on all of them, but I’ve had a handful of lovely conversations emerge, resulting in a couple phone numbers and several erections.
However, this *ahem* gem popped up earlier this afternoon, and I simply *had* to share it. You know…for science.
And then he sent me a bunch of dick pics, because that is an appropriate way to settle an argument.
This rigidity in sexual practice is the source of my feelings of despair. I’m just like “for chrissake read ‘The New Topping Book’ already.” It baffles me that someone can actually be so closed-minded about their sexual practices, and still have the balls to call me closed-minded. It’s MY butt! And no one is going to get in with that kind of attitude. NO ONE.
I posted this entry on my Fetlife profile yesterday, and while it was similar in subject matter to yesterday’s post, I felt inclined to share it anyway, mainly because it is a precursor to my next post, which will most likely go up tomorrow.
Every time I come back from a kink event, I have a harder time readjusting to my everyday life. Yes, it is hard to get used to wearing clothes again after spending a weekend (or longer) where they are not a requirement, but it’s not just that.
As I’ve mentioned in my profile, most (if not all) of my kink play happens at Dark Odyssey events, which I love dearly. But even there, my selection of playmates (men who like men) is severely limited. I would like to partake in more kink play at home in New York during the rest of the year, partly so that I can become better at playing when it comes time for more major events, but also just because I would like to form those bonds with other like-minded sex-positive men.
But that’s where the problem kicks in. See, New York is teaming with gay men. This statement is not debatable. But the thing is… sexually active as they are, most of them don’t really get sex-positivity. They get the concepts of top/bottom and dom/sub, but they don’t seem to care much for negotiation. They don’t seem to have much respect for limits. And even if they do, good luck finding one who plans to stick around.
I envy the kink-friendly, polyamorous lifestyles of the people I have come to know through DO. Many folks think that gay men are the most sexually liberated branch of humanity, but the more I dabble in the kink world, the more I think this is not-quite-right. The mainstream gay community is full of open relationships, but they are strictly for the purpose of fucking; don’t plan on getting too attached. And sure, we have our own kink events, but the phrase “safe, sane, and consensual” is not one most would be familiar with. In these scenarios, consent is assumed until spoken otherwise, and substances run rampant. They prefer to skip over the negotiation and just use/be used.
I know the lifestyle I prefer to lead. I know who I prefer to date/fuck/love, but I fear that never the twain shall meet. A few have suggested that this is my calling in life…to preach the word of sex-positivity to the undereducated sluts of the gay community…and it’s a good goal, but it doesn’t help me with my immediate frustration. And let’s be real here: I’m a catch, and I shouldn’t be struggling to find dates or playmates that are willing to form basic human relationships with me.
I don’t really expect to find a solution, but I’ve been dealing with an overwhelming amount of feelings over the last week, and still haven’t figured out how to process them.
P.S. Pretty sure my next one-man show is going to be called Date/Fuck/Love.
This year has been a whirlwind. And I’m certainly not mad about it. I’ve probably been to more different cities this year and done more performances than I ever have in my life. I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere in my life and have a better idea of what I’m going to do with it, and I’m absolutely thrilled.
It’s all incredibly taxing though. I find myself exhausted more often than not these days, not because of all of the physical movement, but because of all of the emotions involved. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with the concept of con-drop, but it’s real. And for me, it’s more about going to a place or event where you’re surrounded by people of similar interests who understand you, adore you, and respect you, and then being thrown back into the ‘real world’, where bodies are something to be ashamed of and art goes on the back burner and all of the insecurity you thought you ditched hits you back twice as hard. It’s like hopping in and out of a jacuzzi in the winter time. Just after you’ve gotten relaxed and warmed up, you have to get out and the cold air is far more shocking and painful than it was before.
I need more consistency in my life. Not to say I plan to stop traveling and hopping around all over the place. Fuck that noise. But I need more social cushioning to ease the drop when it’s time to come home. And really, it’s stupid to know hundreds of awesome people that you share common interests with, and then only see or talk to them 1-3 times a year.
I am guilty of being an introvert, and sometimes a loner, and lately the results have been painful for me. So if you’re one of the aforementioned awesome people that I’ve met through burlesque, Dark Odyssey, fringe festivals, Catalyst Con, or any other adventures that I’ve shamefully neglected, I want to hear more from you. Distance is no excuse for a lack of communication (something I have to tell myself repeatedly) and I value you all very deeply.