As a sex educator, I spend an awful lot of time telling people not to buy stupid products that do stupid things to their bodies. But ya know…sometimes I get a little curious about if and how certain things work, so I’ve taken it upon myself to try out aforementioned stupid things so you don’t have to.
This is Bad Sex Educator.
Over the last week, I’ve been battling some canker sores. I know, eew, right? Bad ones too. So I found myself taking a peek at this thing at work. It’s a lollipop with benzocaine in it that’s supposed to numb your gag reflex so you can take dicks deeper down your throat. Real cute, I know. Well, I was reading the packaging and it says:
I wasn’t about to be sucking on this fucker while working the sales floor, because that would be unprofessional and unadorable of me, so at the end of my shift I had my supervisor ring me up for one and I spent the subway ride home suckling it to see if it would sooth my woes.
The flavor was…acceptable. I would take a Tootsie Pop over this guy any day, but considering this confection served another purpose, this flavor… this “Blow berry”… was not completely offensive. So I endured it, and waited for the taste to transition into something like Very Berry Vix Vapo-Rub as the sugar melted in my mouth.
It didn’t. I mean, the sugar melted in my mouth, but it didn’t taste like Vix. By the time I was about halfway through and the candy had fallen off the stick (apparently this thing dissolves from the inside out…this is not at all helpful) I was pretty sure I could still feel my canker sores in all their glory. The pain had dulled slightly, but not enough to validate the $3 of store credit I’d spent on this mediocre lolly.
By the time it was all gone, I was underwhelmed. For something that tastes so bland, you expect it to be much more effective. However, it made me feel a lot better about selling the damn thing because numbing your throat so you can shove things deeper into it is not a wise move. Ever. (I also want to point out that if you coat your throat with numbing stuff, said numbing stuff is most definitely going to get on the dick your sucking as well. Make sure your fellatio friend knows this beforehand.)
However, this will all be pretty much irrelevant soon, because I have since discovered that this product has been discontinued by the manufacturer. Thank god. Unfortunately, Doc Johnson has a whole army of horrible products that have yet to be struck down, so this is but a dent in their defenses. See my recent guide to sex toy materials for more specifics, and shop wisely.