Last Friday Night

Those of you who have followed me for a while will recall how I have not been one to enjoy going out on weekends. I work until close on Fridays and Saturdays and generally hate overcrowded bars. However, since the dawn of 2012 I have felt a craving to go out like a normal person and go crazy and actually have a social life, but for some reason this seems unable to happen. Whenever I do actually make plans, they fall through, and I end up stuck at home once again.

To express my frustration, I have written a little song. It's sung to the tune of Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night", and covers what my typical Friday night is like. If you would like to sing along, I've included a little karaoke track.

Take my headphones off my head

Throw my backpack on the bed

Turn my laptop on to find

I'm the only one online

Another Friday stuck at home

Nothing happ'ning on my phone

Twitter tries to cheer me up

But I need liquor in my cup

Always hope I might

Have a normal social life

Oh well

But at least I'll make it 

to work without a fight.

Last friday night

Bummed around at home alone

Had a cocktail on my own

Played with Grindr on my phone

Last friday night

Lit the candle on my shelf

Watched a movie by myself

I'm in antisocial hell

Last friday night

Wow, the boredom never ends

No one's playing "Words with Friends"

I think it's time to make amends

With friday night

Feel like dancing til I drop

Always hope it's gonna stop

Whoa-oh-oah

This friday night

Do it all again

This friday night

Do it all again

Epilogue:

I have to emphasize that last night was actually not horrible. My roommate and I hung out and drank and watched Margaret Cho and it was lovely. But I had planned on being out and about and that fell through and I was cranky about it.

Toys for Boys: Honeymoon in a Box - Gay!

Babeland's "Honeymoon in a Box" kit has been a longtime favorite gift for weddings and bachelorette parties. But now that same-sex marriage is becoming more and more legal across the country, what are we gonna get for those happy couples?

I have the answer right here.

It is none other than Babeland's Honeymoons in Boxes for Gay and Lesbian Couples! (Being a gay man, I am only going to talk about the box for boys. If you want a review for the Lesbian version, check out Red Region Inferno.)

The "Honeymoon in a Box - Gay" includes a miniature arsenal of toys for you and your new hubby to play with on your wedding night (and hopefully many, many nights after):

• Blossom Sleeve: a botanically inspired TPR sleeve that makes for great playtime with yourself or with a buddy.
• RingO: your standard stretchy cockring, to help your erection last for the long haul.
• Rocket Balm: a mentholy stimulating balm that brings a nice tingle to your most sensitive area
• Dirty Dice: to add some inspiration...
• BabeLube: to everybody slick and wet!

Fetish for Dummies

Last week, YourTango.com published an article entitled "Top 5 Weirdest Celebrity Fetishes". I don't even remember how I found it at this point, but you know that when I saw that title I had to read it immediately.

I had issues with it right off the bat, starting with the writer calling fetishes 'weird'. I think it's extremely disrespectful to call anyone's fetish 'weird' or 'freaky', assuming everyone involved has given consent. If not, it just goes way beyond 'weird' and becomes 'horrific'.

Second of all... you could only find five??? If someone's got a shit ton of money at there disposal, you best believe they gon' be doing some explorin'. Hell, I'm not even that kinky, but if I had an extra room in my house, would I turn it into a dungeon? Abso-fuckin'-lutely! I've seen the turnout of Broadway actors at fetish events in New York, and it's quite impressive. I can only imagine how wild Hollywood gets.

And thirdly, I think most fetish-friendly people on the planet will be extremely disappointed in reading this list, because most of these so-called "weird fetishes" are hardly a step outside the vanilla box.

Let's break it down.

1. Russell Brand
I'm sure his presence on the list isn't surprising to anybody. Odd man that he is, one can barely imagine what goes on for him behind closed doors. According to a story in Us Weekly, Mr. Brand enjoys a particular porno that involves a man in a wheelchair. "He's attracted to things he can't imagine happening to him." I can see why that made the list, but that actually seems incredibly tame for what I would expect from Russell Brand.

2. Ricky Martin
Apparently Ricky likes watersports. Um, was this a dream come true for anybody else? Most won't admit it, but I strongly believe that the golden-shower-curious population is increasing every day, and at this point, you may have a harder time finding more people that don't want to get peed on by Ricky Martin, especially gay men. It's 2012, people. Watersports are hardly edgy anymore. #Iwatchtoomuchporn

3. Nick Lachey
This is the only other finalist that I think is worthy of his title. Nick admitted in an interview with Elle magazine that when he was married to Jessica Simpson, one of their kinkier activities involved him walking around in her shoes. I must say, I do find that surprising. Mostly because of that who shoes-have-sizes thing. But power to ya, Nick, for not being afraid to share!

4. Nicole Kidman
This lady doesn't even deserve a blink. She says she's played around with kink, but won't say what. That's about as good as denying it all together. Sorry, Nicole. Prove it or it didn't happen.

5. Scarlett Johansson
Also too vanilla to count. Scarlett apparently likes to get it on in the car. I mean, that's fun. It's a little edgy, a little exhibitionisty, especially for a high-profile girl like her, but I KNOW there are other famous people out their doing much "weirder" things.


There is no way this can be the kinkiest shit Hollywood has to offer. If you've heard any naughty rumors, I would love to show this article up. Because at this point, Tom Cruise's wife contract to hide his homosexuality is way kinkier than these folks.

Cynthia's Choice

Queens and dykes alike are in an uproar this week over a recent comment made by Cynthia Nixon, of Sex & the City fame and now Broadway's Wit, suggesting that she was not, in fact, born this way.

"I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not. As you can tell, I am very annoyed about this issue. Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with."

Wait, so what about that thing we've been trying to convince the religious right about for as long as we can remember? That whole "it's not a choice, this is who I am" shebang? What's going to happen to that?

I, personally, don't agree with Cynthia's statement. However, I do find it stimulating. Many have said that Cynthia is just rambling, talking out of her ass, doesn't really know what she's talking about, is just bisexual, etc. I beg to differ. I think Cynthia has a very solid argument, and if it's a choice for her, than it's a choice for her. I don't think anyone else is in any position to argue with that. I definitely didn't choose to be gay, but if did have a choice, I would still choose to be gay, because it's fucking awesome. I wouldn't trade my sexuality for the world.

Whatever your stance is on Cynthia's sexuality (which, quite frankly, is nobody's fucking business but her own), there is a lesson here that I sometimes think LGBT people need to learn more than anybody: nobody has the right to define you but yourself. If you say you're a man, you're a man. If you say you're a woman, you're a woman. If you say you're gay, straight, genderqueer, a top, a bottom, a unicorn, a leprechaun, that's how you definite yourself, and that's your right.

If Cynthia Nixon says she's a lesbian because she chose to be, that's how it's gonna be. And while everyone is sitting around ripping her apart, she makes a great argument: "Why can't it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate?" Even if we aren't born this way, and we choose to be gay, we still shouldn't be denied the right to marry another consenting human being, no matter what business they have between their legs.

Transphobia: The Call is Coming from Inside the House

It happened again. For the third time in a matter of months, Dan Savage has been glitterbombed by a collective of trans activists who accuse him of having "ableist, racist, transphobic, fat-phobic, sero-phobic and rape-apologist attitudes and views" (as stated by Homomilitia member Fister Limp Wrist. Sorry, Fisty, but I don't think a name like that is going to help you sway society's opinions of gay people. Jackass.)

I've already shared my feelings on Dan Savage and his attackers, and I don't need to go over that again. But for those of you who are new, I have a lot of respect for Dan Savage and find these attacks incredibly annoying, and quite disturbing.

What disturbs me more, however, are the reactions that come out of incidents like this. On the news blogs that I read, there is a terrifying amount of extremely trans-phobic commentary following these reports. A shocking number of LGB-identified people, who seem to have forgotten every struggle they have ever faced in their life, are rallying to have the T removed from the LGBT collective. Just like the religious right who are using sweeping generalizations to deny us marriage rights and job security, they are seeing this small number of radical (sometimes violent) trans activists as an excuse to exile the trans community from the gay and bi community, saying that our goals are completely different and putting us all together is messy, distracting, illogical, and unproductive.

I may be a white, cisgendered male of somewhat-acceptable body type, but I definitely know what it's like to struggle with my gender identity, to feel like a second class citizen, to be denied human rights and to feel unsafe at work. If nothing else, trans folk have fought the exact same battles that gay folk have, but a MUCH HARDER version. Our priorities may not level out the same across the board, but I think it's safe to say that we all want to see the same changes in the world.

Any person who falls anywhere in the LGBTQIQTS spectrum should know better than to let one group of assholes dictate how an entire community behaves. I should not be surprised that people are going online and posting these hateful things, but I'm really embarrassed and ashamed for the rest of the queer community that there are people among us who actually feel this way. It just further proves my theory that we may need to think about killing the discrimination that's coming from inside the house before we can conquer the enemies on the outside.