Chronicles of an Intellectual Homosexual
Oct 16, 2014

I’d Fuck Me

Call me a dud, but I’ve never actually seen “The Silence of the Lambs”. However, I am very familiar with Buffalo Bill’s famous quote: “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me hard. I’d fuck me so hard.” As creepy as I know this character to be, I think this is actually some really good life advice.

Some days you take a selfie and you're like "damn, I'd hit that."

Some days you take a selfie and you’re like “damn, I’d hit that.”

Hear me out.

When I was a kid, I hated a lot of things about myself. I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I behaved. And I’m sure most of you can relate (in fact, in you didn’t hate yourself a little bit in your preteen years than I probably hate you.) Even now, I sometimes still hate these things about myself. But there are other times when I look in the mirror, and I see the attractive, clever, somewhat socially acceptable man I’ve grown into and I think “damn, I would totally hit that.”

The first few times I caught myself thinking this, I felt guilty. But then I looked back on all of the self-hatred I’ve overcome since my childhood, and I thought, “hell no… I have fucking earned this.”

In his famous spiel about puberty, executive/action transvestite Eddie Izzard quips “That’s what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror and thinking ‘God, I’d like to have sex with myself’.” This is literally the only time I will ever disagree with him, ’cause the man is fucking brilliant. I don’t think that finding yourself fuckable is narcissistic. I think it’s a healthy attitude to have.

About a month ago I took to social media with a modified RuPaul quote, saying “If you won’t fuck yourself, how the hell are you gonna fuck somebody else?” There were many interpretations of this quote, which I had intended. Of course, I never expected male-bodied folks to twist their dicks to an impossible angle and aim them at their buttholes. What I did mean to say was:
A) If you’re planning on having sex with other people, masturbate so you know how your body works.
B) If you’re planning on having sex with other people, share with them something that you love and treasure. Modesty is admirable, but modesty and self-love can and should coexist. One of the many keys to healthy sex is both (or all) of you feeling proud and confident in who you are and what you’re doing.

I’ve come to the conclusion that life is too short to not want to fuck yourself. Okay…maybe that’s a little extreme. It’s always possibly you’re not your type or something, ya know? But in order to exist in this world, it is highly important that you recognize the fuckability of you. Next time you look in the mirror, or see a flattering picture of yourself, don’t hold it back…just say it:

“I’d fuck me!”


Oct 13, 2014

Bad Sex Educator: Good Head Lollipop

As a sex educator, I spend an awful lot of time telling people not to buy stupid products that do stupid things to their bodies. But ya know…sometimes I get a little curious about if and how certain things work, so I’ve taken it upon myself to try out aforementioned stupid things so you don’t have to.

This is Bad Sex Educator.

Over the last week, I’ve been battling some canker sores. I know, eew, right? Bad ones too. So I found myself taking a peek at this thing at work. It’s a lollipop with benzocaine in it that’s supposed to numb your gag reflex so you can take dicks deeper down your throat. Real cute, I know. Well, I was reading the packaging and it says:

Good Head Sucker - Drug Facts
Convenient, no?

I wasn’t about to be sucking on this fucker while working the sales floor, because that would be unprofessional and unadorable of me, so at the end of my shift I had my supervisor ring me up for one and I spent the subway ride home suckling it to see if it would sooth my woes.

Good Head SuckersThe flavor was…acceptable. I would take a Tootsie Pop over this guy any day, but considering this confection served another purpose, this flavor… this “Blow berry”… was not completely offensive. So I endured it, and waited for the taste to transition into something like Very Berry Vix Vapo-Rub as the sugar melted in my mouth.

It didn’t. I mean, the sugar melted in my mouth, but it didn’t taste like Vix. By the time I was about halfway through and the candy had fallen off the stick (apparently this thing dissolves from the inside out…this is not at all helpful) I was pretty sure I could still feel my canker sores in all their glory. The pain had dulled slightly, but not enough to validate the $3 of store credit I’d spent on this mediocre lolly.

By the time it was all gone, I was underwhelmed. For something that tastes so bland, you expect it to be much more effective. However, it made me feel a lot better about selling the damn thing because numbing your throat so you can shove things deeper into it is not a wise move. Ever. (I also want to point out that if you coat your throat with numbing stuff, said numbing stuff is most definitely going to get on the dick your sucking as well. Make sure your fellatio friend knows this beforehand.)

However, this will all be pretty much irrelevant soon, because I have since discovered that this product has been discontinued by the manufacturer. Thank god. Unfortunately, Doc Johnson has a whole army of horrible products that have yet to be struck down, so this is but a dent in their defenses. See my recent guide to sex toy materials for more specifics, and shop wisely.

Oct 10, 2014

Top to Bottom’s Sexual Bucket List: 25 Ways to Get Your Freak On

I recently came across an article from The Stir, presenting a sexual bucket list of “50 Things to Do Sexually Before You Die.” It was cute, but I had a few complaints…it was heteronormative. It was mildly outdated. It was tragically vanilla. It listed “married sex” as an item to check off, which I think can be alienating to some folks who can’t marry for legal reasons or simply don’t fuckin’ wanna. Most of all though, I could only check off 31 items out of the 50 on the list. And that’s fucked up.

Therefore, I’ve decided to create my own Sexual Bucket List of 25 Ways You May Want to Get Your Freak On at Some Point but Only if You Want To. It’s a little more adventurous and a little more queer, and hopefully a little more healthy as well.

  1. Explore anal (Yes, straight dudes, you too. Yes, in your butt.)
  2. Participate in group sex (I know you’re curious because you keep asking me about it. Just do it.)
  3. Use a sex toy… on someone else.
  4. Dabble in bondage. Nothing fancy. Just some comfy cuffs or satin restraints.
  5. Have sex in a public space (Again…just do it. And don’t get arrested.)
  6. Be a voyeur and watch others having sex (consensually, please…and be supportive!)
  7. Let others watch you have sex.
  8. Spank or get spanked! I recommend trying both.
  9. Play a stripping game. Poker is a classic, but you can be more creative than that. I know you can.
  10. Have sex without kissing.
  11. Learn to give yourself multiple orgasms
  12. Sex on the beach. There’s a drink named after it for a reason!
  13. Experiment with role play. Twisted fan fiction is extra hot.
  14. Have sex with someone much older
  15. Have sex with someone younger (within legal age of consent)
  16. Have sex in a foreign country… possibly with a foreigner. Accents…mmmm…
  17. Do it in the rain. In the spring or summer though, so nobody gets pneumonia.
  18. Wear a butt plug in public. Because adventure.
  19. Perform a strip tease. Ideally for more than one person. It’s very empowering.
  20. Masturbate with someone without touching. That’s right…just watch. It’s okay.
  21. Have sex with a friend.
  22. Make a sex tape. Whether you share it is up to you.
  23. Laugh during sex. And do it frequently.
  24. Attend a sex workshop. You’d be surprised what you’ll learn!
  25. Incorporate dirty talk into your sex. You filthy slut.

No pressure or anything. Just trying encourage you to feel more adventurous and take your own pleasure and fantasies into your own hands. All those things that ‘only happen in porn’? They’re real. And you can live them too, if you so choose.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I’ve only completed 21 of these tasks. Wanna guess which ones I’ve missed?



Oct 07, 2014

The Material World: The Good, The Bad, and the Jelly Rubber

I’ve been spoiled when it comes to sex toys. I’m sure you’ve all figured this out by now. I have never known the horrors of the cheap jelly rubber dildos or PVC butt plugs that most of us have to go through before understanding true quality. Aside from a couple cheap cock rings and a bullet vibrator I won in a raffle, I never owned any sex toys before I actually started selling them. So when I did, I was greeted immediately with gorgeous, rechargeable, body safe toys.

When I’m at work, I am constantly informing people of what is safe to put in their body and what isn’t. Sometimes they listen, and sometimes they don’t. As I’ve said in the past…you can lead a horse to water-based lube, but you can’t make her avoid glycerin.

Anyway, the point is, after four years in this industry, it still disturbs me how little people know about what goes in their bodies. What most don’t realize is, the FDA doesn’t monitor sex toys. At all. They don’t give a shit. So certain manufacturers will produce toys made out of totally toxic junk and get away with it, because nobody says they can’t. Hell, they can straight up lie on their packaging about what their toys are made of because no one is going to stop them.

And what’s worse? Sometimes people don’t care! “I’m on a budget,” they say. “I’ll just put a condom over it,” they say. Believe me, I totally understand the whole being-broke-and-horny thing (support my broke ass?) And yes, barriers should help prevent any infections or burny feelings from happening. But when you buy toys made of shitty materials, you are telling manufacturers that it’s totally okay to keep making their toys out of shitty materials. IT’S NOT. And now that word is spreading about the potential toxicity of the things sex toys are made out of, there are more and more toys being made that are affordable AND not shitty!

By this point, most major cities in the US have at least one respectable sex shop with well-educated staff: The Pleasure Chest, Babeland, Good Vibrations, Secret Pleasures, Lotus Blooms…just to name a few. If these stores aren’t stocked exclusively with body-safe materials, then the staff is most definitely knowledgeable enough to point you in the right direction. Listen to them.

But if you prefer to do your shopping online, or want an idea of what to look for before you begin your shopping trip, here is a quick and not-so-dirty guide on what sort of stuff your toys should be made out of.

Tantus Sport Ultra Premium Silicone G-Spot Dildo 5.5 InchSilicone: I’m sure you’re all sick of me going on about silicone, but seriously you guys…SILICONE! It’s soft! It’s squishy! It’s hypoallergenic! It’s non-porous! If it doesn’t have a motor built in, you can boil it and share it with a friend! When there is silicone in the world, there really is little reason to purchase a toy made of anything else, unless it is…

Glass: Borosilicate glass, to be specific, also known as Pyrex. There are some lovely blown glass items out there, and I welcome them with open orifices, but the pyrex ones are also boilable and harder to break and I heart them. Also the hand-blown ones are usually made for vaginal use and I’m SOL there.

Stainless Steel: Want a dildo or a butt plug that will live longer than you so you can bequeath it unto your grandchildren when your life comes to an end? Seriously, this stuff will last longer than you do. But that’s not even the biggest perk! Non-porous. Boilable. Virtually indestructible. Hella heavy, which is excellent on the prostate and g-spot, and you can play with temperature to make things a little edgier.

Elastomer/TPR: As I mentioned above, I usually don’t see much use for anything that’s not silicone when silicone can be had. However, there are a few situations when I would say TPR is your best option. This is particularly the case with masturbation sleeves. Silicone is squishy, but not that squishy, and would probably make an uncomfortable masturbation sleeve. For vibrating strokers like the Cobra Libre or the Hand Solo, silicone still rocks. But generally speaking, TPR is best for things to put your dick into. #TengaWHAT

Flight by Fleshlight Male MasturbatorCyberskin: Same case as TPR. Great for masturbations sleeves (What up, Fleshlight!) but I wouldn’t recommend it for your insertables.

Plastic: There are some really shitty things out there that are made of plastic. But there are also some really excellent toys that area also made of plastic. If the box says ‘ABS plastic’, you’re good to go. If you’re getting an Aneros product, you’re a rock star. Their plastic is medical-grade, like the stuff they made screws out of for prosthetic limbs and whatnot, so it’s totally body-safe, and I’ve heard straight from the mouth of an Aneros representative that all of their products are safe to boil. WOOT!

“Phthalate-Free”: These words are generally a good thing. Phthalates are super gross, and you definitely don’t want them in your toys. However, sometimes they are simply a lie or a cover-up. I’ve seen many packages from Doc Johnson and California Exotics that are marked “Phthalate-free PVC”. First of all, as I already said, the FDA isn’t monitoring these things, so these indications are not necessarily true. And even if they are, there are plenty of other chemicals that might be hiding in the mix that the packaging isn’t telling you about. Stick with Silicone and TPR.

Vixen Bandit VixSkin Silicone Realistic Dildo 6 Inch“Realistic”: This isn’t an official rule or anything. Just an observation I’ve made. I feel like if the packaging is pointing out to you that it’s realistic, it’s trying to cover up something else (like maybe the fact that it’s totally not realistic at all?). Vixskin dildos are the most realistic out there, and while some of their packaging indicates the toy is “realistic”, you don’t see them rubbing it in your face. Because they don’t need to. You can see it with your own eyes and feel it with your own hands.

“Sil-a-gel”: It sounds like silicone… but guess what! IT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH SILICONE! I ripped this quote from Epiphora, who ripped it from Doc Johnson’s Director of Product Development and Licensing: “Sil-A-Gel is an ingredient that we add to all of our PVC material during the manufacturing stage. It is not a material unto itself. It is anti-bacterial, cadmium and latex free and utilizes ingredients that are on the FDA Safe Ingredient List….that is where the SIL stands for. This was not meant to trick anybody into thinking that this was a silicone product.” LIES!

“Jelly”: Certain toy manufacturers seem to thing that consumers will find this word alluring. Like we’ll read the word and think “I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy!” But no… Bad squishy indeed. To anyone who is remotely schooled in the science of sex toys, there is no bigger red flag to be found in the entire universe.

If you want the safest online shopping experience you can have, there are stores like Babeland and Peepshow Toys that only carry body-safe materials, so you won’t have to do any filtering to weed out any of the gross stuff. A lot of the top notch manufacturers like Aneros, Lelo, and Tantus are all safe across the board, allowing for stress-free sex toy shopping.

Safer sex doesn’t always involve other humans. Always be mindful of what goes in your body. Protect your sexy self!

Sep 30, 2014

Toys for Boys: Aneros Progasm Ice


The Progasm is available in
Classic  Ivory  Ice  Black Ice  Red Ice


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