April 17, 2014

Regarding Logo's RuPology

Soooo yeah. Over the last few weeks, and this week in particular, there's been some serious drama dispute going on over at RuPaul's Drag Race. Usually I try not to jump on the bandwagons of the current gossip just focus on my own thing, but I felt the urge to share my two cents, not because I am a member of the offended group, because I'm not and I certainly don't claim to be, but I can definitely relate.

The short version, if you missed it: Earlier in this season, RuPaul engaged her contestants in a mini-challenge entitled "Female or She-Male", in which they had to determine if a mystery person's body parts belonged to a cis-woman or a drag queen. And I can completely understand why the word she-male is hurtful. It makes a mockery of one's gender identity, and also continues to stamp them with gender they choose not to identify with. That's my interpretation at least. Feel free to correct me or add your own in the comments below.

The challenge here is that RuPaul has been greeting her contestants with "Ooh, gurl! You've got she-mail!" at the beginning of every episode for six seasons now, so loyal viewers A) don't like change, and B) are asking "What? Why are you bringing this up now?" Personally, I've been waiting for this for a while, but I think the "Female or She-Male" situation takes things a step further. There's no hiding behind an 'e-mail' pun this time. It's just flat-out offensive.

So now, many viewers are in an uproar, complaining about being censored, and often used much more horrifying, transphobic language in the process. For some reason, when it comes to trans issues, many gay folks seem to forget every struggle they've ever dealt with regarding their own sexuality, and fiercely defend their right to use offensive language for the sake of comedy.

I'll be completely honest with you: I love the word "tranny". I love the way it rolls off the tongue and through the teeth. It makes me giggle. If it were a type of car or fruit, I'd say the word all the damn time. Once upon a time I did use it frequently, because I thought of it as more of an abbreviation than a slur. But I stopped, because I realized people were offended by it. People I respect and care about. And do you have any idea how difficult that made my life?

Not at all.

I eliminated it from my vocabulary and it didn't affect my life at all. A small price to pay to retain the respect of thousands of people. So what's your issue? Have you never been called something that offended you? Sissy? Stupid? Ugly? Have you never felt the urge to tell someone "don't call me that?" 'Cuz I'm pretty sure ya did. This is like that. Only more serious.

To the folks who think that eliminating "she-male" from RuPaul's Drag Race: You know what you sound like? You sound just like the Christians who think that marriage equality "takes away their religious freedom." The same 'logic' applies in both scenarios. You're throwing a fit because someone more oppressed than you might be getting rights or respect that you've had for ages. SIT. DOWN.

Thankfully, Logo handled the argument in a mature way, unlike many of their viewers, and removed their insensitive word choices from future episodes. I, for one, am glad to see the change. Do I think RuPaul is transphobic? Certainly not. But if trans folk are feeling hurt by the language, they are within their right to speak up. I'm hoping that this will be a good example for folks to actually take others' feelings into consideration, rather than defend their right to say stupid shit.

UGH. People.

Countdown to Top to Bottom 2.0: 4 posts left!

April 11, 2014

I Want It All

Would you believe that I'm...dating again? I know! CRAZY, right? Me? Dating? What?

It's hard to tell how long I've actually been dateless. For some reason, my brain puts a shit-ton of weight on the word 'date,' so it requires a lot more than just the company of another human for it to count. I've been out with cute guys. Sometimes it lead to making out...rarely sex...but most of the time I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere, so I could hardly call it a date. In my head, a date is something one gets excited about, complete with schoolgirl giggles. It had been almost three years since I had been excited about a date, so...I'd say it's been about three years since I've dated.

Don't worry, I didn't even notice it until a couple of weeks ago. No need to feel bad for me or anything.

So...yeah, dates are happening. And it's great. But now comes the part of dating that is not fun, and the main reason I think I've been subconsciously avoiding dating for so long: the part of me that starts asking all the clingy, relationshippy questions, like "What are we?" or "Where is this going?" Gross, right?

Here is my main dilemma, I think: when it comes to relationships, I want it all. I want the companionship of a boyfriend, but I also can't let go of the freedom that comes with being single. I thrive on New Relationship Energy (which is a thing, by the way), presumably because I've spent so much of my life single that I don't know how to live with out it. The two are not mutually exclusive, of course, and I'm not particularly interested in a relationship that doesn't allow for new partners from time to time, but since I've never had a non-monogamous relationship, I am also terrified. Of jealousy. Of miscommunication. Of just not doing it right. So my own neuroses are allowing little room for growth on the relationship front. It's really fucking annoying, you guys.

But at this point in the game, such thoughts only add to my already-high stress level and take the fun out of dating all over again, so I'm doing my darndest to just not think them at all. Right now, I'm just trying to focus on letting myself like people, and enjoying liking them. This is more of a challenge than it should be, and as long as I have cute, quality guys in my life who enjoy my company...who cares what our relationship is and where it's going?

Countdown to Top to Bottom 2.0: 5 posts left!

April 3, 2014

G'bye, Grindr

This may shock you (if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, it probably won't), but I have decided to call it quits with Grindr.

I know, I know...how will a horny gay man in New York City thrive without the Grindr? Well, it has been a tough decision to make, and I'm already experiencing withdrawal symptoms, but I like to think my self-esteem will be a little better for it.

See...over the last year or so, Grindr has been increasingly frequent in blasting it's users will advertisements for plastic surgery, botox, and liposuction. The first time was an annoyance, the next dozen a series of bad choices, but now it's almost every other day and it's downright insulting.

I know that it isn't about me...that they're trying to get everybody liposucked and botoxed and it's not just a personal attack. But something about a 'dating' app contributing to such body-shaming seems irresponsible. Now, I have been on a ton of dating sites and apps, as you well know: XY and Mogenic (way back in the day), Manhunt, Gay.com, Dudesnude, Gaydar, Recon, OKCupid, Scruff, Tindr, VGL (That one lasted about a week). While I can't say that all of these were necessarily healthy environments, and many of them contributed to my insecurities in other ways, not a single one of them has ever flat-out said "You should get some plastic surgery!" I know that it's not so much of an issue as it probably was during the dawn of online dating, because we all know there's plenty of arrogance to go around in that universe, but I think that overall there are still plenty of folks using Grindr are still struggling with their own body image, and to capitalize on that insecurity is insensitive, unhealthy, and, frankly...tacky.

We all know I have very strong feelings about body image, particularly in gay men. It pained me to see Grindr take a stance that such strongly opposes body-positivity, because while it can be a pain in the ass, I've had some really great experiences through Grindr and met a lot of awesome people. But because of these advertisements, I can no longer remain a customer of theirs in good conscience. There are plenty of other places to go where my tummy will be welcome.

G'bye, Grindr.

Countdown to Top to Bottom 2.0: 6 posts left!

March 31, 2014

People Come and Go So Quickly Here

My life thus far has been comprised of a series of sexual renaissances. Upgrades, really. Every few years or so, I realize that there's something that I'm not loving about my sexual lifestyle, so I make an effort to improve it. Some changes are instant, and some take time, and this usually varies with the cooperation of the other people that are involved.

Several of these upgrades occurred about a year ago, almost simultaneously (you know how you download the latest version of iTunes and then they ask you to upgrade again the next day? It's like that.) The first in the series was a thorough cleansing of my metaphysical Little Black Book.

Now, when I came up with that metaphor in my head I laughed at myself, because really it isn't that hard to cleanse, considering how many guys will get ya nekkid and then never call you again, but that's actually the exact problem. I suppose the correct metaphor would be not to cleanse my Little Black Book, but to start writing in it with pen instead of pencil.

Enough speaking in code: I'm tired of guys popping in and out of my life all of the time. The rotation of sexual partners in my life is seriously dizzying, and it's leaving me feeling queasy and lonely. Some might say that this is part of the package that is being a promiscuous person, but I don't accept that. As they say in The Ethical Slut, "love is not a starvation economy"; Having multiple partners do not decrease the value of them or render them disposable, and I, for one, am fed up with feeling disposable.

I have definitely made some bad choices, and every now and then an epic once-in-a-lifetime romp presents itself to me, but in general, when I take up a new sexual partner, I have every intention of making it an ongoing thing. This is why I prefer to grab a drink or coffee first, or at least watch a damn movie or something, before we doff our clothes and start sticking our penises into each other. I like to know that I have both sexual and non-sexual chemistry, as well as...you know...respect, for the person I'm knocking boots with. And there are few feelings I've come to loathe more than thinking you had an awesome time with a guy who now refuses to answer your texts.

Some might say I have abandonment issues. So? I don't like being left behind by people I like. I don't think that's that weird. And as the years go by I make more and more of an attempt to make sure I like the people I sleep with so these craptastic feelings will stop being so frequent.

So if you are hoping to sleep with me at some point, let this be a warning: plan to stick around, or just don't bother.

Countdown to Top to Bottom 2.0: 7 posts left!

March 22, 2014

Toys for Boys: Fleshlight Shower Mount

Fleshlight Shower Mount and Flight AdapterWow. It's been almost a year since I've posted a toy review. Trust me, I'm just as disappointed as you are. I don't know how I managed to drop the ball for so long, but I have every intention of picking it up again, and keeping it bouncing.

My newest toy comes from LoveHoney, whom I am very excited to be starting a new relationship with. And get this...it's a shower mount...for your Fleshlight. Uh huh. So you can fuck your Fleshlight (or Fleshjack, if you're insecure in your sexuality and like to pretend there's a difference between the two) in the shower (and other places), hands free! Hotness, yes? Yes. And I've come up with another creative (however narcissistic) use for it, as well. Take a look!

Lovehoney.com The Sexual Happiness People