Chronicles of an Intellectual Homosexual
Oct 30, 2014

Quick Brag: Still a Sex-Blogging Superhero!

Hi friends! Can’t write long today, because I’m currently driving myself mad trying to finish up Fringe applications, Catalyst Con applications, PROvember business, blog business, and Halloween business, all while trying to stay on top of the usual life necessities like eating, breathing, laundry, and masturbation *deep breath* BUT I wanted to take a moment to announce that I have been listed for the second year in a row as one of Kinkly’s Top 100 Sex-Blogging Superheroes! WOOP WOOP!
Kinkly Top 100 Blogger Badge

 

I’d like to thank all of you who cast your vote and got me bumped up a couple slots from last year’s list. I really love writing this blog, but sometimes I worry that I’m shouting into the cyber abyss, so little tokens like this remind me that someone out there is listening and appreciates what I do.

As I mentioned, I’m currently losing my mind, but a lot of big stuff is coming to this blog over the next week, so don’t wander too far!

Oct 27, 2014

PROvember is Coming…

LB_100 copyWe are just days away from the beginning of November. And with November, comes … PROvember!

Yes, fools, I’m at it again, and I plan to make this the biggest PROvember yet!

You’ll get to enjoy some of the festivities here, BUT if you pop over to PROvemberProject.com, starting November 1st, you’ll find shiny new content uploaded daily to satisfy all your prostate pleasure curiosities. And not just from me! I’ve invited over a dozen of my favorite sex educators and nerds to lend their sexy, sexy brains to the cause!

And you…yes, YOU…will also have the opportunity to partake! Stay tuned to learn how you can bring your own sexy brain to the table and win some seriously awesome prostate gear.

Please join me this month in spreading the good word about prostate health and pleasure.

Follow The PROvember Project on ALL the social media to stay in the know!

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Oct 22, 2014

Everything* is Better with Lube

When buying a sex toy…ANY kind of sex toy…one should always be prepared to buy lube as well. Unless you already have some at home. And even if you do, you should buy more. One can never have too much lube. There was one point where I thought I had too much lube, which is plausible, but then I realized I was wrong. Because you can’t have too much.

Pjur Bodyglide Original Silicone-Based Lubricant 250mlI’m still surprised by how many people are resistant to buying lube. Granted, I’m much less experienced with anatomy that most would identify as ‘female’, and I know that the equipment lubricates itself, but even so, a little extra wetness can’t possibly hurt the experience, right? Personally, I am of the believe that one cannot experience a toy in it’s full capacity until they’ve felt it well-lubricated.

So I’ve developed a new motto for every time somebody asks me “Do you think I need lubricant for this?”:

“It will never make it worse.”

I shared this on social media a few weeks about, and was bombarded with a predictable assortment of technicalities:
“Unless it has glycerin.”
“Unless it’s silicone based lube to be used with silicone toys!”
“A sticky lube can ruin an uncut guy’s fap session.”

These are all true things, but these are getting awfully nit-picky. I suppose what I should have said was “The right lube is never going to make it worse.” Without a competent guide on hand, there is plenty of room for error. But if you are using a nicely formulated, glycerin- and paraben-free water-based lube, (or silicone for the aforementioned fap session) it’s going to make everything* better.

Seriously.

*Things thatSliquid Swirl Strawberry Pomegranate Flavoured Lubricant 125ml are not, actually, better with lube

  • Toast
  • Pancakes
  • Doorknobs
  • Non-waterproof electronics
  • Tightly sealed bottle caps and jar lids
  • Cooking utensils
  • Fire sources

Also, never drink lube. That’s just disgusting.

Oct 16, 2014

I’d Fuck Me

Call me a dud, but I’ve never actually seen “The Silence of the Lambs”. However, I am very familiar with Buffalo Bill’s famous quote: “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me hard. I’d fuck me so hard.” As creepy as I know this character to be, I think this is actually some really good life advice.

Some days you take a selfie and you're like "damn, I'd hit that."

Some days you take a selfie and you’re like “damn, I’d hit that.”

Hear me out.

When I was a kid, I hated a lot of things about myself. I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I behaved. And I’m sure most of you can relate (in fact, in you didn’t hate yourself a little bit in your preteen years than I probably hate you.) Even now, I sometimes still hate these things about myself. But there are other times when I look in the mirror, and I see the attractive, clever, somewhat socially acceptable man I’ve grown into and I think “damn, I would totally hit that.”

The first few times I caught myself thinking this, I felt guilty. But then I looked back on all of the self-hatred I’ve overcome since my childhood, and I thought, “hell no… I have fucking earned this.”

In his famous spiel about puberty, executive/action transvestite Eddie Izzard quips “That’s what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror and thinking ‘God, I’d like to have sex with myself’.” This is literally the only time I will ever disagree with him, ’cause the man is fucking brilliant. I don’t think that finding yourself fuckable is narcissistic. I think it’s a healthy attitude to have.

About a month ago I took to social media with a modified RuPaul quote, saying “If you won’t fuck yourself, how the hell are you gonna fuck somebody else?” There were many interpretations of this quote, which I had intended. Of course, I never expected male-bodied folks to twist their dicks to an impossible angle and aim them at their buttholes. What I did mean to say was:
A) If you’re planning on having sex with other people, masturbate so you know how your body works.
B) If you’re planning on having sex with other people, share with them something that you love and treasure. Modesty is admirable, but modesty and self-love can and should coexist. One of the many keys to healthy sex is both (or all) of you feeling proud and confident in who you are and what you’re doing.

I’ve come to the conclusion that life is too short to not want to fuck yourself. Okay…maybe that’s a little extreme. It’s always possibly you’re not your type or something, ya know? But in order to exist in this world, it is highly important that you recognize the fuckability of you. Next time you look in the mirror, or see a flattering picture of yourself, don’t hold it back…just say it:

“I’d fuck me!”

 

Oct 13, 2014

Bad Sex Educator: Good Head Lollipop

As a sex educator, I spend an awful lot of time telling people not to buy stupid products that do stupid things to their bodies. But ya know…sometimes I get a little curious about if and how certain things work, so I’ve taken it upon myself to try out aforementioned stupid things so you don’t have to.

This is Bad Sex Educator.

Over the last week, I’ve been battling some canker sores. I know, eew, right? Bad ones too. So I found myself taking a peek at this thing at work. It’s a lollipop with benzocaine in it that’s supposed to numb your gag reflex so you can take dicks deeper down your throat. Real cute, I know. Well, I was reading the packaging and it says:

Good Head Sucker - Drug Facts
Convenient, no?

I wasn’t about to be sucking on this fucker while working the sales floor, because that would be unprofessional and unadorable of me, so at the end of my shift I had my supervisor ring me up for one and I spent the subway ride home suckling it to see if it would sooth my woes.

Good Head SuckersThe flavor was…acceptable. I would take a Tootsie Pop over this guy any day, but considering this confection served another purpose, this flavor… this “Blow berry”… was not completely offensive. So I endured it, and waited for the taste to transition into something like Very Berry Vix Vapo-Rub as the sugar melted in my mouth.

It didn’t. I mean, the sugar melted in my mouth, but it didn’t taste like Vix. By the time I was about halfway through and the candy had fallen off the stick (apparently this thing dissolves from the inside out…this is not at all helpful) I was pretty sure I could still feel my canker sores in all their glory. The pain had dulled slightly, but not enough to validate the $3 of store credit I’d spent on this mediocre lolly.

By the time it was all gone, I was underwhelmed. For something that tastes so bland, you expect it to be much more effective. However, it made me feel a lot better about selling the damn thing because numbing your throat so you can shove things deeper into it is not a wise move. Ever. (I also want to point out that if you coat your throat with numbing stuff, said numbing stuff is most definitely going to get on the dick your sucking as well. Make sure your fellatio friend knows this beforehand.)

However, this will all be pretty much irrelevant soon, because I have since discovered that this product has been discontinued by the manufacturer. Thank god. Unfortunately, Doc Johnson has a whole army of horrible products that have yet to be struck down, so this is but a dent in their defenses. See my recent guide to sex toy materials for more specifics, and shop wisely.